I don't even really believe in a soul.
I don't even believe in anything ethereal and new agey. Hecht says a i'm hardcore atheist of a particular type. I hate labels. Unless they're on cables, at this point I adore labels. They keep me from raging.
is it possible to have a mortally wounded part of you that is the essence of who you without it being spiritual? Can synaptic activity be wounded? More importantly how does the sporadic pattern of synaptic activity achieve non-volatility? How do we maintain our state? What is this life that keeps the running image of who we are stable? Why am I not more stable? I'm all questions and no answers. I am all lost and no maps.
I am only certain of the pain to come. I want to love myself. I want to love others. I want to understand that love is something that gives this life meaning. I want to truly believe it. I want to not be let down by people who are just trying to make something beautiful out of this whole living deal. I want to not sit in judgement of those who exist without reflection. Those who embrace beauty and create it. Those who are fundametnally made of a better cloth than I.
Why does everything hurt so fucking much?
I am the broken. I am the damaged -- and i've lost my fucking reciept.
I stand on the edge -- and I want to cry. This melo-drama is taxing.
I do not want this. I do not want this. I do not want this.
Also, i've developed a gay crush on jason mraz.
